We are here to make a difference in the lives of others. Looking back through five decades, my work has really been to make a difference, and at times to make the difference, in the lives of others. Yet I rarely knew which or even when I did either. And it is just as well not to know: the real reward for serving others must come from the work itself, not any subsequent praise. Now we all like praise, of course; but if we do deeds of caring in order to receive praise, our deeds may well be more for our sake than for those we serve. The truth is, being loving is more rewarding than being loved.
How do you make a difference? The key is your presence. You have to be there, for and with another. Yet your presence is only the beginning. What is vital is that you really notice, that you pay careful, caring attention to the other. Note the little things, from haircut to facial expressions, from subtle changes in behavior to hints of restlessness. Test out with the other, mostly in the form of questions, what you seem to be sensing and seeing. As you enter into their world, be willing to share your own as well—as long as you do not take over the conversation with your stuff. Enter with sensitivity to the other’s feelings and need for privacy. Speak in caring tones; avoid control or criticism.
When you take note of the little things, the little things which really matter to others and keep them in touch with reality, they do not feel so alone. And most of us feel alone. If you can lift the burden of loneliness just a bit and for a time, you have done something quite important. You have made a difference. To be present, to listen, to note, to care by sharing in the world of another, these are elements of making a difference for which there are no substitutes.
When I first began ministry and later counseling, my expectations of the difference I could and perhaps should make in the lives of others was way out of line. I thought I could accomplish more than it turned out I could. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, that the failure was mine. Then I wondered if there was something wrong with the other persons. Finally, I realized how difficult it is to reach and affect the human heart, how long it takes for a positive transformation. It slowly dawned on me that my job is more to hold hands than to heal. It turns out you have to love people just the way they are for them to ever become what they can become. And if they should do so, it is not due to you, but to something in them.
Often instead of harvesting fruit from a relationship, the best I can do is to plant good will and caring into the heart of another, hoping this will eventually bear fruit. Maybe I will be around to harvest the fruit of my reaching out; maybe someone else will have that honor and privilege. But it is worth it just to plant seeds. And if we should feel like a Johnny Appleseed of love, ever planting but rarely harvesting, rarely being there when the work we have done for another pays off, our lives would still have value and significance. Think of the difference seeds make.
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