The question of how to treat others has received the same singular answer in most every religion and ethical tradition since the sixth century BCE. For example, in ancient Hinduism we are told, “One should never do something to others that one would regard as an injury to one’s own self. In brief, this is dharma [law]. Anything else is succumbing to desire.” And the Greek philosopher Thales (624-546 BCE) said, “Avoid doing what you would blame others for doing.”
Note that these two, along with most all other forms, are put forward in the negative, as in “do not.” The great rabbi Hillel, an older contemporary of Jesus, was asked if he could summarize the whole of the Torah while standing on one foot. He did so, saying: “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. The rest of the Torah is commentary. Go and learn it.” Putting this rule in the negative is called the “Silver Rule.”
The “Golden Rule” was stated in the positive by Jesus of Nazareth. He said, “In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12). We actually need to follow both rules. We have to know both how we want others to treat us, as well as how we do not want to be treated. “Do this… do not do that,” belong together as two sides of the same coin.
To implement this rule requires self-understanding and empathy for others. While there are universals in how to treat and be treated by others, there are also individual differences. What might be desirable for one, might be undesirable to another. Test out how others are responding to your efforts to do and not to do on their behalf. It is permissible to ask them what they want.
I remember a client when I was a therapist in private practice. He said he got along fine with himself, but when he was with others he got into trouble. He was not particularly self-aware; therefore, he was not very aware of how he came across to others. Many of us have a similar problem: we do not really know what it takes to be as successful in personal relationships as in professional associations. I developed and conducted a meeting service for four years, 1985-1989. I had more than six hundred clients, with whom I spent at least two counseling sessions. I discovered that many of my clients did not know what to do, how to succeed in a love relationship. They lacked self-awareness and sensitivity to others.
So how do you want others to treat you? And to treat you in ways which might equally apply to how others want you to treat them? It would be helpful to make a list of “non-negotiable” elements which simply must be in place for you to be willing to enter into and remain in a relationship. Well-nigh universal essentials the other must evidence toward you include: respect, kindness, affection, trustworthiness, honesty, consistency, reliability, compassion, empathy, and non-judging. The other must be a good, affirming listener who is fully open and present to you. Simply do likewise to the other.
And how do you not want to be treated? The opposite of the above list. You will want to avoid someone who is disrespectful, critical, narcissistic, cold, indifferent, untrustworthy, dishonest, inconsistent, unreliable, selfish, judgmental, and a poor listener who frequently interrupts you.
Follow both sides of this rule, and you will most likely prosper in love and life.
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