Memories of what has been are as important to our health as hopes of what will be. Our memories establish our sense of personal identity. Lose your memory, and you lose your sense of self. This is what happens with amnesiacs: in losing their memory, they forfeit their grasp of who they are, where they are and where they were headed.
No one can tell you how to see or remember your life. You have absolute freedom to give or remove meaning from your personal history. Dr. Victor Frankel, an Austrian psychiatrist who managed to survive Auschwitz, had this insight while digging a grave he believed would likely be his own. As a compassionless German guard stood by, Frankel was ordered to dig a hole. While doing so, he began remembering his former life in Vienna. He reflected fondly on his beloved wife, who had previously perished at the concentration camp.
As he treasured these memories, he looked at the heartless Nazi murderer. Then he realized this guard could not touch his memories, could not tamper with or diminish them. This gave Frankel a secure sense of great freedom; and for whatever reason, the guard chose not to shoot him.
How fortunate this was for the world, because Frankel would later write an important book about his experiences and insights while a prisoner. The book is entitled Man’s Search for Meaning, and forms the basis of Frankel’s variety of psychotherapy, termed “Logotherapy.” The essence of Logotherapy is contained in a dictum of Frederic Nietzsche: “A person who has a why to live, can accept almost any how.”
An example of how this works comes from Frankel’s book. A doctor’s wife died and the man could not get over her loss. Frankel asked him a single question: “If you could have chosen who would die first, you or your wife, which one would you have selected?” After a brief silence, the doctor answered, “I would have chosen my wife. I would not want her to suffer my loss as I have suffered hers.” This gave the doctor rapid relief and release.
Our reason for living is built firmly on our treasured memories of love and joy, and the hopes and dreams which spring from them. As I once wrote, addressing parents concerning their children:
“Your children will come your way, but only for a distance. Then they must seek their own path. And you must help them on their quest. It is for you to provide food that can sustain them. It is for you to give memories to warm their winters and caress their wounds. It is for you to bless their efforts, that they may strive with faith.
But it is not for you to place their feet upon a path.”
In addition to things we need to remember, there are also things we need to forget. Bad memories, traumatic events should be recalled long enough to work through their negative consequences for our lives, and then mercifully let go, so we can move past them. As one friend says, “Sometimes we simply have to press the ‘Delete’ button on our memory board.”
Our lives are determined as much by our peak experiences as our pit experiences. Hold tightly the good memories of your life. Who knows; perhaps you can take them with you.
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