To hear does not necessarily mean to understand. To gain understanding you have to recognize and distinguish between the speaker’s similarities to and differences from, yourself. To do so you must apply two principles essential for understanding: the principles of similarity and of differentness. The principle of similarity states that nothing in the other is foreign to us; we are all human together. The principle of differentness states that nothing in the other is identical to us; though we are all human together, we are as unique as our fingerprints.
To hear the ways in which another is similar to and different from us takes much work — and time. Good listening is one of the great labors of love. To listen effectively, these six elements are fundamental:
1. Presence: You are willing to be present and available to the other. That also means you are willing to be honest with the other. Thus if you are not available, if you are tired or dealing with your own problems, you will tell the other, rather than pretending to listen.
2. Attention: Not only your presence, the other has your full attention. You attend to the other as a whole, taking in not only what is said but how it is said, the tone of voice, facial expressions and body movements. You listen with the heart as well as the head, seeking to discern what the words mean to the speaker, to sense feelings present if unexpressed.
3. Authentic interest. You find something in what is said which interests you. That means genuine interest, even if all you can find to interest you is determining the significance of the words to the speaker. You enter into the other’s world in order to see things as the other sees them, appreciating the other’s world-view, validating the unique person taking the risk to share with you.
4. Suspension of judgment. You value the perspective of the speaker. To do so you strive to understand rather than to critique, realizing it is easier to misunderstand what the speaker means than to understand – for while there are endless ways of interpreting, there is only a single meaning the speaker intends. There will be time later to evaluate and compare the speaker’s values with your own – after you are sure you have grasped what the speaker said and meant to say. In the meantime we suspend our judgment; it will only interfere with understanding.
5. Patience. You make no attempt to hurry or interfere with the other’s expression by interjection or interruption or embellishment. That only draws attention to yourself and away from the other. Your turn will come; now it’s the speaker’s turn to relate something to you that may require your patience to permit the other to put before you everything needed for understanding.
6. Commitment to dialogue. You work toward mutually enriching dialogue. That means you seek to remain in the conversation long enough to attain an equal exchange of views and values. Conversations all too often end prematurely, as if the point of discussion was merely the rapid exchange of views. The deeper thoughts, the quieter feelings require time and the perseverance of both persons to emerge, to find expression.
To listen to understand is to listen to love.
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