Draw Circles Around Rather than Lines Across Others

I would rather draw circles around than lines between people. I prefer to look for what unites, rather than what divides us. I strive to find common ground on which diverse people may stand together. That is the daunting task of peacemaking; and we need all the peacemakers we can get, especially with the polarizing persons and circumstances surrounding us these days.

What we Americans have in common is far greater than what separates us. Labels like “conservative” or “liberal,” “Republican” or “Democrat,” easily lead to narrow-minded “either-or” thinking. We are supposed to choose one or the other; yet the truth is, many of us find ourselves in both camps, on some issues at least. So I could call myself a “compassionate conservative with liberal leanings,” who has voted for members of both parties. I much prefer “both/and” to “either/or.”

I find reconnecting, reconciling, a far more difficult yet satisfying task than rending asunder. One of my favorite stories concerns a monk and a samurai having a conversation about the nature of true power. The discussion was going nowhere until the monk pointed at a tree branch and asked the samurai, “Can you cut that branch off the tree in a single blow?” The samurai immediately responded with gusto, “Yes I can.” “Then please do so,” the monk asked.

With one swoop of his razor-sharp blade, the samurai cut through the branch. Then the monk picked up the branch, and handing it to the samurai said, “Now, put it back.”

Real power, lasting power, is putting people and relationships back together. Not only is this option what is generally best for persons, but it definitely what is desperately needed today.

A psychologist from the University of Georgia who studied 150 married couples for two decades came to a significant conclusion not long ago. He said the key to mutual compatibility is not that a couple sees eye-to-eye on everything, not whether they are significantly similar in their values, attitudes and priorities. The key is whether they have genuinely agreed to disagree. And just as importantly: whether they show respect for divergent views. Respecting one another when we disagree is a hallmark to true civility, something in seriously short supply these days.

As a marriage counselor, I always looked for the “mirroring” phenomenon. That is when both partners are accusing the other of doing the very same thing they themselves are doing, while neither seems to grasp that they are mirroring each other. Instead they each accuse the other of being the culprit.

For example, a common “mirroring” is when both persons feel that the other is not hearing them. She feels he is not listening to her, and he feels she is not hearing him. Often of course, neither is really listening to the other; they are too busy demanding that the other hear them first to take note of the fact that they are not hearing the other. So they get fixated in their dysfunctional pattern – and need an objective counselor or relational coach to mirror back to them their own mirroring.

If and when they come to see that they are mirroring the same apparent problem, doing the same thing toward each other, the door to reconciling often begins to open, and a way to draw a circle around them dawns.